Well, after going to the hospital yesterday and having some labs done, the Dr called me with the results today,....NOT Pregnant. Those words just play over and over in my mind. A shock to the system, because I let myself get my hopes up,...she got my hopes up,...oh the meds are working she said,...your uterus is pretty she said,...I think you have a very good chance of getting pregnant this round she said,.... and like a fool I believed every word.
I feel broken inside,...empty,...because,...I am, empty.
I know I know I know,...everyone has their comments,...oh it will happen,...youre still young,...enjoy life with just your husband,...what about adoption,...relax,...dont worry about it,...dont think about it,...stop trying so hard,...what ever happened to doing things naturally and letting things happen on their own,....it will happen when you dont try,...it will happen when the timing is perfect,...maybe you should just be happy being an aunt,....
BLAH BLAH BLAH, Ive heard them ALL
I know, I sound like a snot,...ungreatful,...selfish even, but you know what maybe I AM,...If wanting a child of my own,...a child that I carried,...that I felt inside, that I brought into this world,..If THAT makes me selfish,...then fine,...Im perfectly alright with that.
It hurts so bad...to want something so much,...and not be able to grasp it. To not be able to do the one thing a woman is suppose to do, to be broken...
After getting that news at work my first instinct was to run to the bathroom and ball my eyes out,...but I had a student to take care of, a math sheet that needed done,...and as the lump formed in my throat, my eyes filled with water,.. I blamed it on my sinuses.
My heart has remained in the pit of my stomach throughout the day.
A coworker and friend told me, I cant expect others to understand and feel how I feel, and that I am in control of me, that if this is what I wanted,...then its mine to try for. She is right. THIS is MY life, MY body, MY want and desire to have my own children,..as discouraged as this has made me, I know I cant give up...I have to keep fighting
I have to...
Tuesday, January 28, 2014
Friday, January 24, 2014
Sick day...
Well I went to the Dr on Monday, for my lovely sonogram thing for her to look at my Uterus. Results were,...good :) She said that the medicines are working and that my uterus looks pretty. LOL I guess thats good. She said my lining looks good and that she thinks we have a good chance of getting pregnant this round.
IF we don't, she says she will put me on a higher dose of the meds next month. Which kind of scares me,...and I want to be optimistic, and I mean dont get me wrong, I think about babies all day long LOL but part of me is still reserved, not wanting to get my hopes up. I feel like a lot of things in life that I get excited for, don't end up happening,...so, I cant help but not fully trust it. Golly I wish I was one of those people that just trusted and believed no matter what, Im really not fond of my trust issues and brokenness that has made me this way.
But I do hope and pray that she is right, that I could be holding my own child sometime this year. I wouldn't ask for a single thing, for my birthday, or Christmas, or anything, if I could have that wish come true.
BUT the other thing that worries me with having a baby is money. It always comes down to money, some people have said we shouldn't start trying until we have savings,..but I feel if we wait for that, we will never start trying for a baby. Sometimes I just don't understand why we don't have money,...all we do is work. And its not like we blow it on stupid things,...our money goes to rent, bills, gas in the Jeeps and groceries. And it seems like after all of that, we have nothing to put away. I love my jobs, but I don't get paid nearly enough for what I do. I make $8.61 an hour at the school,...that's it,...to work one on one with students with disabilities and behavior problems,...behavior problems that get sent to us because teachers don't want to deal with them themselves,...so we get the hard work,...but not the hard work pay. Don't misunderstand me, I love the majority of the teachers I work with and they are wonderful people. There are only a few that make me feel like I'm just there to take the hard work for them and/or make me feel unappriciated. And then for ykid's,...ugh Ive been there over 2 years now and I'm still making min wage,..which by the way, in KANSAS is $7.25! BUT I love the kids,...and its a convienent second job, because I can work right after school, and they meet in the cafe of the school I work in, so I don't even have to drive somewhere else, and I can work the program on school breaks and summer, which is,...nice.
I know I would make more if I could finish my stinkin degree,..but I'm at a stand still AGAIN because of money. Now I have tons of certificates in child care, and first aid and cpr,...but apparently that is not enough to get me past min wage.
RANT day anyone? LOL I have been fighting the FLU this week,....so I'm restless and cranky and just have a lot to get out. I really thought I might escape winter without this dreadful stuff,...I was doing so good, hadn't had a cold/flu since October, which if you know me, and my immune system, that's EXTREMELY rare. I was the kid in high school who got strep at least twice a year and one year I had strep, mono AND scarlett fever all in one winter. But this year I was doing my smooties/juices and eating real healthy and taking prenatal vitamins,...which are amazing by the way, and I was amazed at my health. UNTIL I took one of these lovely fertility drugs that had a warning on the bottle,..about how it weakens your immune system and to stay away from contagious people. Stay away from contagious people? You're kidding right? I work with children,....germ infested little nuggets. So yeah,...I should have known better that this little flu was coming in for the attack.
It started with vomiting, which I secretly,..but not so secretly was hoping was morning sickness,...but then came the fever and the runny nose, and the sore raw throat, and the pounding head,..and lets not forget the swollen glads in the neck making my ears ache to high heaven. Not to mention the fact that sleep is a joke because you would actually have to be able to breath to do that. But I;m chomping down my prenatals and my elderberry, and drinking my fluids,...I WILL kick this thing out the door by Monday.
So, there you have it my sick day blog, that quickly went from good news to a full on rant and hatred toward anything flu like.
In all seriousness, I am so thankful to have those of you who take the time to listen, and help me through these times,... the good moments and the bad. Have a blessed, safe and HEALTHY weekend.
IF we don't, she says she will put me on a higher dose of the meds next month. Which kind of scares me,...and I want to be optimistic, and I mean dont get me wrong, I think about babies all day long LOL but part of me is still reserved, not wanting to get my hopes up. I feel like a lot of things in life that I get excited for, don't end up happening,...so, I cant help but not fully trust it. Golly I wish I was one of those people that just trusted and believed no matter what, Im really not fond of my trust issues and brokenness that has made me this way.
But I do hope and pray that she is right, that I could be holding my own child sometime this year. I wouldn't ask for a single thing, for my birthday, or Christmas, or anything, if I could have that wish come true.
BUT the other thing that worries me with having a baby is money. It always comes down to money, some people have said we shouldn't start trying until we have savings,..but I feel if we wait for that, we will never start trying for a baby. Sometimes I just don't understand why we don't have money,...all we do is work. And its not like we blow it on stupid things,...our money goes to rent, bills, gas in the Jeeps and groceries. And it seems like after all of that, we have nothing to put away. I love my jobs, but I don't get paid nearly enough for what I do. I make $8.61 an hour at the school,...that's it,...to work one on one with students with disabilities and behavior problems,...behavior problems that get sent to us because teachers don't want to deal with them themselves,...so we get the hard work,...but not the hard work pay. Don't misunderstand me, I love the majority of the teachers I work with and they are wonderful people. There are only a few that make me feel like I'm just there to take the hard work for them and/or make me feel unappriciated. And then for ykid's,...ugh Ive been there over 2 years now and I'm still making min wage,..which by the way, in KANSAS is $7.25! BUT I love the kids,...and its a convienent second job, because I can work right after school, and they meet in the cafe of the school I work in, so I don't even have to drive somewhere else, and I can work the program on school breaks and summer, which is,...nice.
I know I would make more if I could finish my stinkin degree,..but I'm at a stand still AGAIN because of money. Now I have tons of certificates in child care, and first aid and cpr,...but apparently that is not enough to get me past min wage.
RANT day anyone? LOL I have been fighting the FLU this week,....so I'm restless and cranky and just have a lot to get out. I really thought I might escape winter without this dreadful stuff,...I was doing so good, hadn't had a cold/flu since October, which if you know me, and my immune system, that's EXTREMELY rare. I was the kid in high school who got strep at least twice a year and one year I had strep, mono AND scarlett fever all in one winter. But this year I was doing my smooties/juices and eating real healthy and taking prenatal vitamins,...which are amazing by the way, and I was amazed at my health. UNTIL I took one of these lovely fertility drugs that had a warning on the bottle,..about how it weakens your immune system and to stay away from contagious people. Stay away from contagious people? You're kidding right? I work with children,....germ infested little nuggets. So yeah,...I should have known better that this little flu was coming in for the attack.
It started with vomiting, which I secretly,..but not so secretly was hoping was morning sickness,...but then came the fever and the runny nose, and the sore raw throat, and the pounding head,..and lets not forget the swollen glads in the neck making my ears ache to high heaven. Not to mention the fact that sleep is a joke because you would actually have to be able to breath to do that. But I;m chomping down my prenatals and my elderberry, and drinking my fluids,...I WILL kick this thing out the door by Monday.
So, there you have it my sick day blog, that quickly went from good news to a full on rant and hatred toward anything flu like.
In all seriousness, I am so thankful to have those of you who take the time to listen, and help me through these times,... the good moments and the bad. Have a blessed, safe and HEALTHY weekend.
Sunday, January 5, 2014
Jump then fall...
Well I feel like I really jumped on this fertility train and then fell right off. Ive been taking these meds the whole winter break and still,..nothing, no cycle, so I called the Dr on friday but only got voicmails. Im assuming they will call me tomorrow and have me restart the process.... Which I was really hoping to get through the round of meds while on break considering that one of the meds says not to drive while taking, and another says that it weakens your immune system, and to stay away from people with contagious illness. Ha, I work with snot filled little children, they're kidding, right?
Anyway, thats my rant, as much as Ive tried to just go on with daily life and not dwell on it, it seems its always in the back of my mind, but Im sure that is normal, right? I mean, I dont know why I expected this to be easier, how could a child of mine, or any thought of a child of mine not be stubborn? Stubborn should of been my middle name, Glendons too for that matter.
So, well Christmas break comes to an end tonight, Im torn about going back to work, while Im happy I will have things to keep me busy, I kind of dread it, things were not going so well before break, I was constantly feeling like I just wasnt being heard, that my thoughts, my voice, meant nothing, yet here I am, everyday, working 11.5 hours, getting paid....well, for lack of a better word,...shit. Living paycheck to paycheck with no savings, only to be told that Im wrong, or what Im doing isnt enough. Ive always loved my job, I still do, dont get me wrong, its very rewarding most of the time, but this year, Ive seen why the turn over rate for special education is so great. We put so much effort into it, yet hardly get any appriciation, from adults anyways. If the smiles of children paid my bills, life would be grand.
I am very excited to see my Caleb. Caleb was the first student I ever worked with when I started at the school, he is MR in a Gen ed classroom, I work with him in class as well as pull him out to the resource room. He is such a sweet blessing of a child, his love and gratitude are unconditional. The highlight of my day for sure, and its been such a pleasure watching him grow. I dont know what Ill do after next year when he goes to middle school,...according to him, I will cry. I would say he is most certainly right. I will say after all the emotional breakdowns of this winter vacation, I am SO ready for that big hug from him. :)
Well I suppose that is all for now, the husband is on his way home, making supper then hittin the hay, hoping setting my alarm 15 min earlier is enough to deal whatever this winter storm brings us. I hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas and New Years, God bless!
Anyway, thats my rant, as much as Ive tried to just go on with daily life and not dwell on it, it seems its always in the back of my mind, but Im sure that is normal, right? I mean, I dont know why I expected this to be easier, how could a child of mine, or any thought of a child of mine not be stubborn? Stubborn should of been my middle name, Glendons too for that matter.
So, well Christmas break comes to an end tonight, Im torn about going back to work, while Im happy I will have things to keep me busy, I kind of dread it, things were not going so well before break, I was constantly feeling like I just wasnt being heard, that my thoughts, my voice, meant nothing, yet here I am, everyday, working 11.5 hours, getting paid....well, for lack of a better word,...shit. Living paycheck to paycheck with no savings, only to be told that Im wrong, or what Im doing isnt enough. Ive always loved my job, I still do, dont get me wrong, its very rewarding most of the time, but this year, Ive seen why the turn over rate for special education is so great. We put so much effort into it, yet hardly get any appriciation, from adults anyways. If the smiles of children paid my bills, life would be grand.
I am very excited to see my Caleb. Caleb was the first student I ever worked with when I started at the school, he is MR in a Gen ed classroom, I work with him in class as well as pull him out to the resource room. He is such a sweet blessing of a child, his love and gratitude are unconditional. The highlight of my day for sure, and its been such a pleasure watching him grow. I dont know what Ill do after next year when he goes to middle school,...according to him, I will cry. I would say he is most certainly right. I will say after all the emotional breakdowns of this winter vacation, I am SO ready for that big hug from him. :)
Well I suppose that is all for now, the husband is on his way home, making supper then hittin the hay, hoping setting my alarm 15 min earlier is enough to deal whatever this winter storm brings us. I hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas and New Years, God bless!
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