Spring Break

Ive been trying to take this time off to relax and refresh. Ive worked Y-kids 4 of my 7 days off but it hasnt been too bad. I got to see Carissa last weekend :) we went to dinner at one of my favorite places and really got to catch up. I hadnt seen her since Christmas and friends have been pretty scarce around here lately so it was great to see her. 

Today I get to see another visitor! Aunt Kathi, Uncle Mike and Noah are coming up from Missouri today :) I havent seen them since the wedding so I am pretty excited to see family again since the the wedding was the first time Ive had family come out here to KS.

I went to the doctor on Monday for my blood test to see what my pogesterone levels were, they called yesterday and said they were low and I have to go back again tomorrow. Low isnt a good sign, that probably means Im not pregnant again this month. Im getting to the point now where I almost just expect it to not happen every month. I ache inside but at the same time Im just angry and over it taking over my life. Some days I just want to sit on the kitchen floor and drink, and other days like yesterday I just come home and cry myself to sleep. Im so blessed to have an amazing husband who has been great through this whole process. I had called him yesterday after I talked to the doctor and let him know what they said, so by time I got home he had already been expecting my emotional behavior. So as I laid down , tears gently falling from my eyes, he simply came over rubbed my back for awhile and kissed me, then he turned on my sleep sounds relaxation music, turned out the lights and left me to nap. He knows what I need and he does it so gently, I know with the hormones I havent been so good to him, but yet he continues to treat me the way I should be treating him. He really is my best friend and I couldn't imagine going through this and life with anyone else.

Consumed

Havent written in awhile. I feel like every entry has been about this whole ferility thing,...its consumed every part of my life. I went to the doctor earlier this week and after doubling my dose of clomid this time, I have 3 eggs. So with that being said I am just going to say my prayers and cross my fingers and be done worrying about it. There are other things in my life that I have been neglecting. 

Spring is here and I am looking forward to working on my gardens and flower beds. We are planning on planting as many vegetables as possible. I would like to be able to cut our grocery bill down as much as possible by living off of our own food. We also have an apple, cherry, pear, peach and apricot tree in our back yard here so Im hoping we have a great variety of fruits and veggies. 

Glendon is trying to get a new job, he has applied at the Co op and is waiting to hear back after two interviews. I really hope that he gets it , he will get paid more and then I wont have to work two jobs. Although when harvest season comes he would be working around the clock and I probably wont get to see him much, but I dont think it will take a bad toll on us at all.

Now that the weather is getting warmer Im back to walking when possible. Ive registered to do the Relay for Life walk in McPherson again this year. It will take place in June and it is a 12 hour over night walk. Im excited to be apart of something so powerful and inspiring again.

So I guess that is mostly whats going on with us right now. I feel like I am less moody as the weather gets nicer, its amazing to feel the sun on my face again.

Fingers crossed...again.

Well its been a rough few weeks. A constant emotional battle. I went to the Dr last Monday and she said I had two folicles,...almost mature. So Im hoping they have matured and been fertilized. I go to the doctor again tomorrow for a blood test to find out if it worked this time. Probably wont have results until Thursday,...waiting is the worst part of all of this.

Sitting in the loneliness of the unknown....

Breakdown...

So yesterday when I woke up, something just wasn't right.  I sat and crocheted for a bit, but I couldnt shake it. Well it tured into a cleaning fit of rage. I took out all the trash, and scrubbed the counter tops and did dishes, slamming things as I went. Finally I stood at the sink, and started to cry, first just small tears and then full on water works. I slid down the cupboard and curled up in the corner on the floor, sobbing. 

Wondering, what I have done with my life.  I never finished my schooling after two attempts, Im apparently not doing my job right ( many negative events at work this week) , I have absolutly no savings and currently only have $100 to last for two more weeks, OH and lets not forget the biggest failure of all,..not being able to make another life. Not to mention through all of this, I feel like I have no friends anymore. Everyone is busy with their life,...making families of their own, something I cant do. And I sit here,....making a baby blanket for a baby I dont have! Talk about pathetic.

I haven't been having the greatest thoughts of myself, as you can tell. Ive had even worse thoughts than those Ive just shared, but Im ashamed in a way. 

I know every one is going to tell me to just have faith in God,...and I do, believe in him. But I also believe that I havent made the best choices in life and maybe now I am being punished for them. Which, I probably deserve. I ache inside,....and it just wont go away.

Negative....

Well, after going to the hospital yesterday and having some labs done, the Dr called me with the results today,....NOT Pregnant. Those words just play over and over in my mind. A shock to the system, because I let myself get my hopes up,...she got my hopes up,...oh the meds are working she said,...your uterus is pretty she said,...I think you have a very good chance of getting pregnant this round she said,.... and like a fool I believed every word. 

I feel broken inside,...empty,...because,...I am, empty. 

I know I know I know,...everyone has their comments,...oh it will happen,...youre still young,...enjoy life with just your husband,...what about adoption,...relax,...dont worry about it,...dont think about it,...stop trying so hard,...what ever happened to doing things naturally and letting things happen on their own,....it will happen when you dont try,...it will happen when the timing is perfect,...maybe you should just be happy being an aunt,....

BLAH BLAH BLAH, Ive heard them ALL

I know, I sound like a snot,...ungreatful,...selfish even, but you know what maybe I AM,...If wanting a child of my own,...a child that I carried,...that I felt inside, that I brought into this world,..If THAT makes me selfish,...then fine,...Im perfectly alright with that.

It hurts so bad...to want something so much,...and not be able to grasp it. To not be able to do the one thing a woman is suppose to do, to be broken...

After getting that news at work my first instinct was to run to the bathroom and ball my eyes out,...but I  had a student to take care of, a math sheet that needed done,...and as the lump formed in my throat,  my eyes filled with water,.. I blamed it on my sinuses.

My heart has remained in the pit of my stomach throughout the day.

A coworker and friend told me, I cant expect others to understand and feel how I feel, and that I am in control of me, that if this is what I wanted,...then its mine to try for. She is right. THIS is MY life, MY body, MY want and desire to have my own children,..as discouraged as this has made me, I know I cant give up...I have to keep fighting

I have to...

Sick day...

Well I went to the Dr on Monday, for my lovely sonogram thing for her to look at my Uterus. Results were,...good :) She said that the medicines are working and that my uterus looks pretty. LOL I guess thats good. She said my lining looks good and that she thinks we have a good chance of getting pregnant this round. 

IF we don't, she says she will put me on a higher dose of the meds next month. Which kind of scares me,...and I want to be optimistic, and I mean dont get me wrong, I think about babies all day long LOL but part of me is still reserved, not wanting to get my hopes up. I feel like a lot of things in life that I get excited for, don't end up happening,...so, I cant help but not fully trust it. Golly I wish I was one of those people that just trusted and believed no matter what, Im really not fond of my trust issues and brokenness that has made me this way. 

But I do hope and pray that she is right, that I could be holding my own child sometime this year. I wouldn't ask for a single thing, for my birthday, or Christmas, or anything, if I could have that wish come true. 

BUT the other thing that worries me with having a baby is money. It always comes down to money, some people have said we shouldn't start trying until we have savings,..but I feel if we wait for that, we will never start trying for a baby. Sometimes I just don't understand why we don't have money,...all we do is work. And its not like we blow it on stupid things,...our money goes to rent, bills, gas in the Jeeps and groceries. And it seems like after all of that, we have nothing to put away. I love my jobs, but I don't get paid nearly enough for what I do. I make $8.61 an hour at the school,...that's it,...to work one on one with students with disabilities and behavior problems,...behavior problems that get sent to us because teachers don't want to deal with them themselves,...so we get the hard work,...but not the hard work pay. Don't misunderstand me, I love the majority of the teachers I work with  and they are wonderful people. There are only a few that make me feel like I'm just there to take the hard work for them and/or make me feel unappriciated. And then for ykid's,...ugh Ive been there over 2 years now and I'm still making min wage,..which by the way, in KANSAS is $7.25!  BUT I love the kids,...and its a convienent second job, because I can work right after school, and they meet in the cafe of the school I work in, so I don't even have to drive somewhere else, and I can work the program on school breaks and summer, which is,...nice.

I know I would make more if I could finish my stinkin degree,..but I'm at a stand still AGAIN because of money. Now I have tons of certificates in child care, and first aid and cpr,...but apparently that is not enough to get me past min wage. 

RANT day anyone? LOL I have been fighting the FLU this week,....so I'm restless and cranky and just have a lot to get out.  I really thought I might escape winter without this dreadful stuff,...I was doing so good, hadn't had a cold/flu since October, which if you know me, and my immune system, that's EXTREMELY rare. I was the kid in high school who got strep at least twice a year and one year I had strep, mono AND scarlett fever all in one winter. But this year I was doing my smooties/juices and eating real healthy and taking prenatal vitamins,...which are amazing by the way, and I was amazed at my health. UNTIL I took one of these lovely fertility drugs that had a warning on the bottle,..about how it weakens your immune system and to stay away from contagious people. Stay away from contagious people? You're kidding right? I work with children,....germ infested little nuggets. So yeah,...I should have known better that this little flu was coming in for the attack. 

It started with vomiting, which I secretly,..but not so secretly was hoping was morning sickness,...but then came the fever and the runny nose, and the sore raw throat, and the pounding head,..and lets not forget the swollen glads in the neck making my ears ache to high heaven. Not to mention the fact that sleep is a joke because you would actually have to be able to breath to do that. But I;m chomping down my prenatals and my elderberry, and drinking my fluids,...I WILL kick this thing out the door by Monday. 

So, there you have it my sick day blog, that quickly went from good news to a full on rant and hatred toward anything flu like. 

In all seriousness, I am so thankful to have those of you who take the time to listen, and help me through these times,... the good moments and the bad. Have a blessed, safe and HEALTHY weekend.

Jump then fall...

Well I feel like I really jumped on this fertility train and then fell right off. Ive been taking these meds the whole winter break and still,..nothing, no cycle, so I called the Dr on friday but only got voicmails. Im assuming they will call me tomorrow and have me restart the process.... Which I was really hoping to get through the round of meds while on break considering that one of the meds says not to drive while taking, and another says that it weakens your immune system, and to stay away from people with contagious illness. Ha, I work with snot filled little children, they're kidding, right?

Anyway, thats my rant, as much as Ive tried to just go on with daily life and not dwell on it, it seems its always in the back of my mind, but Im sure that is normal, right? I mean, I dont know why I expected this to be easier, how could a child of mine, or any thought of a child of mine not be stubborn? Stubborn should of been my middle name, Glendons too for that matter. 

So, well Christmas break comes to an end tonight, Im torn about going back to work, while Im happy I will have things to keep me busy, I kind of dread it, things were not going so well before break, I was constantly feeling like I just wasnt being heard, that my thoughts, my voice, meant nothing, yet here I am, everyday, working 11.5 hours, getting paid....well, for lack of a better word,...shit. Living paycheck to paycheck with no savings, only to be told that Im wrong, or what Im doing isnt enough. Ive always loved my job, I still do, dont get me wrong, its very rewarding most of the time, but this year, Ive seen why the turn over rate for special education is so great. We put so much effort into it, yet hardly get any appriciation, from adults anyways. If the smiles of   children paid my bills, life would be grand.

I am very excited to see my Caleb. Caleb was the first student I ever worked with when I started at the school, he is MR in a Gen ed classroom, I work with him in class as well as pull him out to the resource room. He is such a sweet blessing of a child, his love and gratitude are unconditional. The highlight of my day for sure, and its been such a pleasure watching him grow. I dont know what Ill do after next year when he goes to middle school,...according to him, I will cry. I would say he is most certainly right. I will say after all the emotional breakdowns of this winter vacation, I am SO ready for that big hug from him. :)

Well I suppose that is all for now, the husband is on his way home, making supper then hittin the hay, hoping setting my alarm 15 min earlier is enough to deal whatever this winter storm brings us. I hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas and New Years, God bless!