Negative....

Well, after going to the hospital yesterday and having some labs done, the Dr called me with the results today,....NOT Pregnant. Those words just play over and over in my mind. A shock to the system, because I let myself get my hopes up,...she got my hopes up,...oh the meds are working she said,...your uterus is pretty she said,...I think you have a very good chance of getting pregnant this round she said,.... and like a fool I believed every word. 

I feel broken inside,...empty,...because,...I am, empty. 

I know I know I know,...everyone has their comments,...oh it will happen,...youre still young,...enjoy life with just your husband,...what about adoption,...relax,...dont worry about it,...dont think about it,...stop trying so hard,...what ever happened to doing things naturally and letting things happen on their own,....it will happen when you dont try,...it will happen when the timing is perfect,...maybe you should just be happy being an aunt,....

BLAH BLAH BLAH, Ive heard them ALL

I know, I sound like a snot,...ungreatful,...selfish even, but you know what maybe I AM,...If wanting a child of my own,...a child that I carried,...that I felt inside, that I brought into this world,..If THAT makes me selfish,...then fine,...Im perfectly alright with that.

It hurts so bad...to want something so much,...and not be able to grasp it. To not be able to do the one thing a woman is suppose to do, to be broken...

After getting that news at work my first instinct was to run to the bathroom and ball my eyes out,...but I  had a student to take care of, a math sheet that needed done,...and as the lump formed in my throat,  my eyes filled with water,.. I blamed it on my sinuses.

My heart has remained in the pit of my stomach throughout the day.

A coworker and friend told me, I cant expect others to understand and feel how I feel, and that I am in control of me, that if this is what I wanted,...then its mine to try for. She is right. THIS is MY life, MY body, MY want and desire to have my own children,..as discouraged as this has made me, I know I cant give up...I have to keep fighting

I have to...